i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
