got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
did i just pee glitter
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
