I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
