I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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