people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I am midnight drunk by noon
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
