his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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