I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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