Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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