maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize