I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
COCAINE IS GR8
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