what day is it and did you see me today?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
