The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
