Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
