Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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