I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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