i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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