PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
and you fell through a lawn chair
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
