if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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