Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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