I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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