I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
