Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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