i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
