I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
