YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
