Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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