don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Pants are for mortals
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize