It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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