you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
