Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Drunk is not a location!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
