no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
