the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
