I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
