Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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