my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
