Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
