I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
