Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
