I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
