i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
