im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
