so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
