Sober January is a disaster.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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