Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize