god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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