That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
