Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
