I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
