I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
