when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
