does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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