nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
