Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize