mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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