you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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