I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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